I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
