dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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