and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
