I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Randomize
