I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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