I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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