You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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