if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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