Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
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