did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
