i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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