my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
