OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
