Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I just want to make out with him forever
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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