Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
