i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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