whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
