Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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