And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
Randomize
