He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
