I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
