i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
