Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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