don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Randomize
