So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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