I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
your like the ambassador to my penis.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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