By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
