she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
