god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
of course. lets lasso hookers.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Randomize
