Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i think i have two assholes
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Randomize
