I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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