hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
