I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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