I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
