When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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