You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
