so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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