Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize