btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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