my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
