That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
