Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Randomize