The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
