I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
