I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
