I faked an abortion last night.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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