I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
