At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
