A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
My cat gives me a boner
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
