I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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