So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
