you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
