I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
