I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Randomize
