you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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