The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize