does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
its no coincidence her full name and "cling" are the same in t9
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
