I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
