He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
Randomize
