I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
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