3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
