I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
